Episode 3 [Rated R...]

...for Really Funny! [No seriously, some things are rated R for Raunchy, no one who still believes in a stork bringing a baby brother to your mommy and daddy should read this.]

"Beware the Ides of March" One of the most famous prophesies in all of literature...uttered by a Soothsayer in Shakespeare's historical play Julius Caesar.

F*ck That! Beware of Kristina Raiti is a better prophesy. I'm gonna take this journal today to tell my readers about the funny things my fiancée plans, especially when she gets her other people involved.

I got one story to tell you about me and her. I recently vacationed with Kristina to Austrailia, one of her four native lands. She's been wanting to go for at least six months before and wanted to go to a specific resort, the Crowne Plaza Hotel & Resort in Sydney, on the flight there, (my first on a 747 nonetheless) in the middle of the night on the way there, she wants to join the mile-high club. I never joined the mile-high club before, but I wasn't about to do it, especially on this flight. I convinced Kristina that if we try to join the mile-high club this time, we'll be on the no-fly list and we'll NEVER be able to join it, luckily she took it all right and the rest of the flight went down smooth as a Foster's (with an Australian fiancée, what the hell do you think I'm drinking?)

By the time I get off the plane (with apparently only 63 other passengers on the whole flight) hand-in-hand with Kristina, customs is surprisingly easy to get through, only 30 minutes from getting off to the plane to being at Baggage Claim, and this is where the fun really starts. While waiting for four dark-green coloured pieces of baggage to roll through the Qantas Baggage Rail, Kristina whispers in my ear that "there's a surprise at the hotel waiting for us there" I instantly fill with surprise and confusion, like a look a dog gives you when you mention the vet. I finally found our bags and found our hotel shuttle waiting for us outside the airport, and a 10-minute ride to the resort, still hand in hand like a newly married couple. (Ironic since despite the engagement I got no plans to tie the knot)

My first reaction was "Holy Shit, I F*cking Love Austrailia" After we check into the hotel, and are restrained with little wristbands that get us all the food, drink, and most importantly alcoholic drinks we want, I literally ripped off the basketball warmup pants and rip my shirt in half to reveal surf trunks I wore since the minute we left the house in Florida. Turns out, I was the only one prepared to immediately go in the pool. I had to wait an entire thirteen minutes for Kristina to change cause I'm scared being on a resort pool deck alone in Sydney. I didn't even get the benefit of helping her change or even judging what would look best on her! So, we walk down to the pool deck, again hand-in-hand like good couples do, and sit down at one of the restaurant bars.

Then I meet the bartender, now I'm engaged, and I think this chick is frigging hot. She was around 5'8'', blonde-haired, tan and perky breasts. She was one of those attractive bartenders who always wore a two-piece bikini in resort uniform colors, who also knew their way around a few drinks, and making them too! She looked right at the two of us together then looked straight at me, and I'm sitting here stonefaced, scared shitless. I know the minute I think naughty thoughts with her, Kristina will kick my ass, and worst part is that she'd have home-court advantage in this ass-kicking!

She starts "RJ Mitchell, I Presume?" I respond with a low "Yes" and she begins a long list of my personal details: "1.8 Meters, 6 Foot Even in your case, you've had two knee surgeries in the past two years, you're a tactical AMERICAN football genius, ran a 4.3 forty-yard dash, and from what I hear, you're good in bed?"

I was stone-faced at this point because it seemed she spent years studying my life. I answered "You Know Me Well..."

Episode 3 Part 2 coming soon!